Finding my why, pt. 1

On a Tuesday evening, I spent some downtime scrolling on Instagram. I flipped from the frustratingly not-chronological timeline to IG Stories. One of my favorite natural hair influencers, Kilsi Rodriguez (@Le_frosie) was at an education conference in Philadelphia and she was sharing highlights from the conference. (Background: she’s a teacher in NYC) Kilsi enthusiastically shared one particular lesson that struck me. Find your why. “Why do you wake up in the morning?” “Why do you do what you do?” She was so powered up after this session. She ended her series of videos by sharing an action item. Identify your why and recite it seven times each morning.

Initially, I tried to skip the video because I don’t know what my "why" is. Part of me didn’t want to hear it. I felt ashamed. Like at 25 I should have one or at least an idea. Another part was jealousy, because Kilsi was so fired up about session. I haven’t felt like that since my more hopeful college years. These days when i’m feeling that way, I check in with myself and ask myself, “Why am I feeling this way?” One quick check in later, and I swiped backwards and watched the rest of Kilsi’s videos. Afterwards, I sat in silence and thought about my why.

The why that I don’t have.

Your “why” is your purpose, your calling, your reasons for getting up every day. I’ve been on the hunt from mine since I started a tumblr in high school (circa 2009 ish). My bio, “I’ve been put here for a purpose and I’m trying to figure out what it is and fulfill it.” 

For most of my young adult life I’ve been fixated on understanding my purpose on earth. And now that I’m 25, I’m starting to get frustrated that I haven’t tapped into it yet. Ideally, I have time to find and live in my purpose. In an effort not to rush it or spiral into hopelessness and despair, I’m going to write my way through it.

April McFadden